>>>>> LONG DESCRIPTION
>>>>> Alternatively, maybe someone wiser than me can tell me  what I
>>>>> should *really* do instead...
> [various suggestions]
> [reasons why they aren't workable]

Seems to me that what you "should really do instead" is to tell whoever
is imposing all these silly restrictions on your task that they add up
to an effectively impossible task and don't be surprised if you don't
get anywhere with it.

Software authors are not miracle workers; tie our hands tightly enough
and we will fail.

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